I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
