Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
