The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
