her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I have already put on my inside pants.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
