I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
