this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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