My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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