these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
