I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Four minutes until I can fart!
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
