My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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