I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
