2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
