I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
