We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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