You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
