I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Randomize
