I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Randomize
