u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
