Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just pee around me
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
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