when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
