Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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