I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
