she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
