he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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