Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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