Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Too much gin, very little bucket
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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