There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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