I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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