You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
