I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Randomize
