So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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