I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
