My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
