I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I just want to make out with him forever
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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