I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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