you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Randomize
