I'm going to jail i love you
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
