I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
