apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
