FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Randomize
