I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
