she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
