the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
