i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Let's paint friendship bongs
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Randomize
