At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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