I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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