I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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