I haven't been this sober since birth.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
