you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Randomize
