Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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