How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
