honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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