dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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